So, the storm has settled and the clouds have begun to blow away. No, I don’t “hate my f-ing job”, but I do laugh at reading what some others have written on the topic. And sometimes I need to. And I must admit, it’s a reality check. The things that trouble me are real and not administrative concoctions that someone could eliminate if they took two seconds’ thought. And because I know the people I work with and for take far more than two seconds’ thought. When I read what people write under the above title, I realize I’m checking things off: “oh, that does sound horrible! oh, well, at least I’m not dealing with that! oh, why does he go back!” And it makes me realize, I know why I go back.
I did come home last Sunday unable to stop crying and scared because I knew that if I had to go back to work the next day I wouldn’t be able to go. Thank goodness for the 40 (ish) hour workweek, huh?
Is this burnout? maybe. Is this PTSD? perhaps. Is this life? most definitely. Does this mean I can’t do the job I love so much? definitely not. It does mean I really need my yoga.
There’s a certain amount that a person can take at a time. There are some things when seen, the only – and I mean only – human response includes crying, although our role may require it be after the fact. There are things which if you can comprehend fully, I don’t want inside your head.
But my not being one of the ones who responds won’t stop them from happening. And being there is a priveledge I don’t plan to surrender soon. The years have shown I have an odd talent for it. And sometimes, in fact most nights, I can think of a moment, a small moment, where something I did mattered. And some nights I get to do a lot more.
And some days and mornings I cry, and sometimes I cry so much I don’t know if it’ll stop. And those days I wonder if I’ll go back. And I know someday the answer will be no. Not because I can’t, but because my heart’s flown elsewhere. And I’ll follow it then. But now, I’ll follow it back to the streets.